Bookmark.

There's this girl I know....yeah, I know I'm always talking about some girl. But this girl is different. She's always been the one. 8 years and it was all still the same. It never went away. If anything it grew in intensity. It finally happened. We were finally together. The best 2 1/2 months of my life....hands down. As I do frequently, I fucked it up. Too many pills. Too many shots. Too many fucked up nights. Too much. Too much. Too much. You could've died and I have to go because you have to get yourself together. 

Once we talked about how all of the other people we were with were just bookmarks in our stories that we were going to finish together. All of the others had simply fit in to our story but we didn't write them in. I never thought we would become bookmarks to the other. I never thought things would end up this way. 

15 days I haven't had a thing in my body to alter my mind. No alcohol. No pills. No nothing. Yesterday the wedding ring. Stupid. I don't even think I ever made it to bookmark status. I feel like a place holder. Like when you turn down the corner of the page so you know where to pick back up when the time arises. 

What do I have to do to prove that that life is what I want? That one I had from August through October. Minus all the crazy and self destruction. Apparently it doesn't matter. Wedding rings and multi colored flowers and lies. The stuff dreams are made of. 

Aware.

I looked back through old texts today - unlike the old emails, this proved to be a good thing. I was able to really see how it is that I treated Morgan. As I was reading my responses to her - I felt like yelling at myself in that moment to stop being a bitch to her. Stop being short with her. Don't you see she was trying to be helpful and communicate and you're just shutting it down? Who gives a shit if she's active on Facebook messenger? who gives a shit if she didn't answer a text immediately? Why are was it always all about you - why weren't you equal? All of the way I responded to her was wrong. I had someone who really truly loved me. Who honestly should've left me years ago. Who stayed through all of my mean, drunk, sad, angry, anxious nonsense. Who would've done anything, and did as much as she could, to make me happy. I truly understand how my behavior impacted this. How my inability to stop using shit made me miserable, irritable, flat, tired, awful and probably unlovable. Now I'm aware. Now I'm looking at why and how to change it. Now it's too late. I would love more than anything to just be able to show her that I am willing to make the changes...I am making the changes. I wish I had an opportunity to apologize to her Mom for treating her amazing daughter so poorly. I don't blame her for disliking me, either. I can imagine you can only take so much of your daughter being miserable before you begin to resent the person causing that pain. I wish I had been more aware earlier on. I wish I had told her I loved her. I wish I had respected her as the wonderful person she is and not treated her like garbage because I felt bad about life in general. I'm so very sorry. 

Awake.

I feel awake. Mentally and emotionally awake. For the first time in a long time. 23 days of not getting wasted to deal. I've thought so much about so many things. I remember when I used to be happy and fun and kind and not all twisted up like I have become. I found a list today from April 2011 of things that I love. It's really long and as I was reading it I realized that I stopped paying attention to a lot of those things. I still do love all of the things on that list. When I was reading it, my heart felt full. I was reminded of things that used to make me happy and how it's not so hard to be happy. I hate that I became so unhappy. I hate that I pushed people away. I hate that I didn't continue to love and care for those things. I want it all back. I want that full heart and that love and the love of people places and things again. I'm gonna keep that list with me so I can refer to it when I need to. I want myself back. I miss the old Kari. 

Closed.

Ahhhhhh I love emotional freedom. I really, really do. 

The day I got my tattoo I woke up from a dream about my ex of 5yrs who left me 4yrs ago. In the dream, she was struggling with some issues with her current girlfriend and I was able to act as a friend to help her through it. Not in an effort to get back together. Not with any ulterior motives. Nothing but to be a friend. In the dream we also got to hash out our issues....which we have never done. Yesterday I chatted with her for a while regarding how much my use of substances impacted out relationship. She was honest and said it impacted it quite a bit. I was always so angry that she left me for the girl she's with now...when in reality, I pushed her out with my behavior. The same thing I did to Morgan. Yesterday I took responsibility for my behavior and let go of all of that hurt and anger towards her. It's taken me a long time, and a lot of work but I am so glad that I no longer am holding on to that relationship. She thanked me for sharing with her and is proud of what I'm doing with my life for the past 20 days. I feel so much peace about it now and know that I do not have to take her and our issues in to my next relationship (which....I don't bank on ever having). I feel horrible for allowing it affect mine and Morgan's relationship...but I am thankful to have the opportunity to let it go. Thanks, TEM....I appreciate you :) I'm so glad that chapter is closed. 

Understand.

There were so many times I didn't understand why Morgan wouldn't communicate with me the way I wanted her to. We established that in the last blog. But what a selfish bitch I was to not see that that's how she communicates. The words she sent me were beautiful. They were from her heart. They said all the things I wanted her to say. I just didn't pay attention. I didn't see that was her way of telling me what I wanted so badly for her to say to my face....

Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent

--Victor Hugo

So it really is a lot more important than I ever thought. I should've taken it as it was - beautiful words from another person to me. Why question it? Insecurity. At the same time, I feel terrible to have not ever gotten her a real stocking for Christmas. Diamond, Greta and I all have ones with our initials bedazzled on them....ridiculous. She had a generic one that I got from target because (as I told her) "when we break up it'll just be easier to throw away"....I said this out first Christmas together. Who does that? I want her to have an M stocking. I want her to feel a part of. I don't want to pretend I can keep her at arms length anymore because I can't. Looking back, I never really did. I just thought I did. I don't know if I will ever get to be able to make that better and I hate that. All of the things I didn't include her in...I can't imagine how that made her feel. Maybe relieved but I'm sure certainly not good. I'm sorry boo. I really am. 

Cry.

Going back through old emails never proves to be a good idea. Re-reading emails between Morgan and I and how happy we were. Or reading all of these lyrics she would send me. I used to get so frustrated when she wouldn't communicate the way I wanted her to. What I didn't realize is that she was communicating...with all of the beautiful lyrics she sent me over the years. I feel like such a bitch for not realizing it before now. 

Then there's the email she sent me the day after I broke up with her. The day after I spent the night in jail because my Dad had me arrested. The day I walked out of jail and shoved several Ativan in my mouth with no water in the lobby of the jail. The day we buried my brother. The day I told my dad to shut the fuck up during lunch with everyone after we left the cemetery. That was the last time I remember my Dad being coherent enough for me to have a conversation and I wasted it by telling him to shut the fuck up. I wouldn't see him again until he was unable to walk, in a hospital bed yelling at every single person who tried to talk to him. All I can do is cry. And cry. For so many reasons. Because I fucked up so badly with Morgan. Because I didn't get it together when I should have. Because I wasted precious moments that I can't get back with my Dad. I'm just left here to be reminded once again of how it is that I don't want to live anymore. I feel like I just cleaned out another part of my fucked up head by crying my eyes out. Now it's time to move on and know that I don't have to make the same shitty choices ever again. 

Rewind.

So today my timehop (may have to erase that app for real) had these pics. This was the first time Morgan and I went out together. We were so happy and the top picture quickly became one of our favorite pictures. We drank mojitos and ate pizza that night...I felt dizzy from kissing her and knowing that I was probably in a lot further than I wanted to admit to myself. This song came on the way home tonight and I felt it kind of fitting to everything. I miss this. I miss how things used to be. I miss smiling and  laughing and loving. I would just replace the 3 with 4....and that's my day. 

"Who Knew" -Pink

You took my hand

You showed me how

You promised me you'd be around

Uh huh

That's right

I took your words

And I believed

In everything

You said to me

Yeah huh

That's right

If someone said three years from now

You'd be long gone

I'd stand up and punch them out

Cause they're all wrong

I know better

Cause you said forever

And ever

Who knew

Remember when we were such fools

And so convinced and just too cool

Oh no

No no

I wish I could touch you again

I wish I could still call you friend

I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now

'fore they're long gone

I guess I just didn't know how

I was all wrong

They knew better

Still you said forever

And ever

Who knew

Yeah yeah

I'll keep you locked in my head

Until we meet again

Until we

Until we meet again

And I won't forget you my friend

What happened

If someone said three years from now

You'd be long gone

I'd stand up and punch them out

Cause they're all wrong and

That last kiss

I'll cherish

Until we meet again

And time makes

It harder

I wish I could remember

But I keep

Your memory

You visit me in my sleep

My darling

Who knew

My darling

My darling

Who knew

My darling

I miss you

My darling

Who knew

Who knew