Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Aftermath.
That's the best way I can put it after yet another family member does....aftermath. So much to do. So much to sort out....so much to not argue over. So much to mourn. So much sadness. For me, in all of this, is a beacon of light - my little brother. The most upstanding of all people I could ever imagine. A good heart. A love for all. A sound mind. A good fucking kid. The best I could ever imagine. I have not enough positive words to describe him except for the fact that if you're lucky enough to know him, you're lucky enough. A gem of gems. He kept my dad alive and comfortable for so long. He worked hard. He did what he didn't think he could do...and I couldn't be more proud to say that he is my brother. For the tumultuous , horrific past 6 mos we both have had....he held it down like a damn soldier. He is my personal hero and I love him. When the aftermath has settled you see who's there....and there he is. I love you, Little Man...although you aren't so little anymore. You have my deepest love, respect and admiration.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Dad.
So, some times people have what I view as a normal life. My life has never consisted of anything normal. Trauma for my older brother and I when we were young - early use of substances (mostly drinking for me)...constant fighting between our parents....constant fighting between our parents.We took really long trips over the summer that were pretty elaborate and we didn't always get along on those trips - but to me, they were my outlet from the dysfunction that sat within the car doors with me. I always wanted a settled family, but depression, alcohol use/abuse and mental illness does not bode well for anything "normal".
Andrew. My older brother Andrew died on October 21, 2012 from an apparent drug overdose. The phone call I received that Sunday morning at 5am still haunts me. He had his demons but certainly was never malicious. He loved all, but I don't think he ever really loved him self. He and my father had a very tumultuous relationship that got increasingly worse over the years.Dad had Andrew arrested countless times - which just broke our family apart even more each and every single time.
Ryan. He's a great kid. Lots of potential. Smart as a whip. Very talented photographer. Sweet as can possible be. I love this kid to no end. I always have and I always will.
Dad. My Dad mostly treated me like I was the son he didn't have because I would go out and shoot pictures with him, or play garage door bingo, or take trips with him when the boys didn't want to. We went to London, California, Vegas, Pennsylvania...all of which I remember vividly. We could also banter back and forth about him being an avid Red Sox fan and myself being an avid Yankees fan. He was never warm and fuzyy and he pushed me to just get it done...just finish school, Kari...just apply for that next job, Kari....just keep going - you'll be finished one day and wish you were back in school. For all that he every said to me that was less than compassionate is this gem: the difference between success and failure in life is how you deal with difficult personalities. It has become something I hold on to all the time.
Dad. I am sorry that you won't see me get married. I'm sorry that you won't meet the child that I will one day bring in to this world. I'm sorry you won't get to see my graduate with my PhD....I know you have always wanted me to do that. I'm sorry that we never made it to Yankees Stadium together like we wanted to. I'm sorry we wont drive red convertibles in California or eat at Carl's Junior anymore and I wish I had taken them a bit more serious at the time. I'm sorry there won't be anymore early wake ups to get the best shots of the sweet light wherever we may be traveling. I'm sorry we'll never play black jack together again - especially since you're the one who taught me. I'm sorry we won't snowmobile anymore or stay up late in the pub and sing along to all of our favorite songs. Although we didn't have a great relationship, and sometimes I didn't even really like you - I did always love you. Seeing you the way you are now breaks my heart into a million pieces. You are so young - you should still have so many years left in you. It breaks my hears that you may not. I hate seeing you cry - because there have been minimal if any times I have ever seen you do so.
I promise you the following things:
1) I will go to Yankee stadium and I will watch my boys play and I will bring you a souvenier
2) I will finish my PhD
3) I will continue on my crusade for good
4) I will make sure Erin and Ryan are always taken care of
5) I will drive a red convertible up and down the entire PCH
6) I will make sure that if I ever have a child, that I take them to all of the places you took me
7) I promise to never stop wanting to change the world
8) I promise I will always be a democrat
9) I promise you'll always be my Pops
10) I promise I will always love you
I need you to know these things before anything else happens...I hate that you are sad, I hate that you are in pain, I hate that you are confused, I hate that you are uncomfortable, I hate all of this for you....but I will always love you - you can always count on that. After all, we have the same initials.
Andrew. My older brother Andrew died on October 21, 2012 from an apparent drug overdose. The phone call I received that Sunday morning at 5am still haunts me. He had his demons but certainly was never malicious. He loved all, but I don't think he ever really loved him self. He and my father had a very tumultuous relationship that got increasingly worse over the years.Dad had Andrew arrested countless times - which just broke our family apart even more each and every single time.
Ryan. He's a great kid. Lots of potential. Smart as a whip. Very talented photographer. Sweet as can possible be. I love this kid to no end. I always have and I always will.
Dad. My Dad mostly treated me like I was the son he didn't have because I would go out and shoot pictures with him, or play garage door bingo, or take trips with him when the boys didn't want to. We went to London, California, Vegas, Pennsylvania...all of which I remember vividly. We could also banter back and forth about him being an avid Red Sox fan and myself being an avid Yankees fan. He was never warm and fuzyy and he pushed me to just get it done...just finish school, Kari...just apply for that next job, Kari....just keep going - you'll be finished one day and wish you were back in school. For all that he every said to me that was less than compassionate is this gem: the difference between success and failure in life is how you deal with difficult personalities. It has become something I hold on to all the time.
Dad. I am sorry that you won't see me get married. I'm sorry that you won't meet the child that I will one day bring in to this world. I'm sorry you won't get to see my graduate with my PhD....I know you have always wanted me to do that. I'm sorry that we never made it to Yankees Stadium together like we wanted to. I'm sorry we wont drive red convertibles in California or eat at Carl's Junior anymore and I wish I had taken them a bit more serious at the time. I'm sorry there won't be anymore early wake ups to get the best shots of the sweet light wherever we may be traveling. I'm sorry we'll never play black jack together again - especially since you're the one who taught me. I'm sorry we won't snowmobile anymore or stay up late in the pub and sing along to all of our favorite songs. Although we didn't have a great relationship, and sometimes I didn't even really like you - I did always love you. Seeing you the way you are now breaks my heart into a million pieces. You are so young - you should still have so many years left in you. It breaks my hears that you may not. I hate seeing you cry - because there have been minimal if any times I have ever seen you do so.
I promise you the following things:
1) I will go to Yankee stadium and I will watch my boys play and I will bring you a souvenier
2) I will finish my PhD
3) I will continue on my crusade for good
4) I will make sure Erin and Ryan are always taken care of
5) I will drive a red convertible up and down the entire PCH
6) I will make sure that if I ever have a child, that I take them to all of the places you took me
7) I promise to never stop wanting to change the world
8) I promise I will always be a democrat
9) I promise you'll always be my Pops
10) I promise I will always love you
I need you to know these things before anything else happens...I hate that you are sad, I hate that you are in pain, I hate that you are confused, I hate that you are uncomfortable, I hate all of this for you....but I will always love you - you can always count on that. After all, we have the same initials.
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