Insecurity.

What a stupid stupid thing. We all have it and anyone who says they don't probably isn't telling the truth. Let's break this down, shall we? According to Webster:

noun [plural in·se·cu·ri·ties.]

1. lack of confidence or assurance; self-doubt:He is plagued by insecurity.

But why? What happened to cause us to think we don't have that confidence or assurance? For me it was years and years of being cheated on and lied to (not by my current ex, she's always been super respectful of me and us). So eventually I just figured this is the way things go so just be prepared for it. The problem here is that past experiences do not always show up in current or future experiences. So! While I was sitting around being insecure about the ex hollaring at some rando chick, I should've reminded myself that she's with me and if she didn't want to be with me, she would leave (unfortunately she did leave but I still like to think it had nothing to do with someone else). I wasted precious time blowing off compliments and love from someone who was really willing to give it to me because she really did feel that way. I always negated that. Yknow when someone says you look pretty and you respond with "yeah my fat ass was actually able to fit in this"? No? Just me? Well that's a typical me response for compliments. Instead of thank you - even if I didn't internalize it. I think it used to hurt her feelings to have compliments brushed off, and I wish I had realized that a little sooner. Stupid brain. My new tattoo has me feeling pretty sexy lately....here's a pic:

Let's seeeeeeee.....pictures for this entry......

This is a love note I received today - apparently my facial expressions were NOT well contained. 

This morning's sunrise :)

Oh and in case you were curious, I'm still making my bed :) 

Forward

Two weeks ago I was looking forward to celebrating my (now ex :( ) girlfriend's 30th birthday with her and worried about my cat who had shown some signs of having something wrong with her tummy. Today I am single and my mind is doing that awesome thing that only women going through a break up are capable of doing - making the worst of everything. I've decided that shit simply is not going to work for me. Why should I be sad while she's out having fun? That's not fair. So here will be a bucket list of things I want to do or start making a habit of:

1) go to the gym....even though it sucks...5 days a week

2) photograph everything I can - even if people don't dig it

3) de clutter the hell out of my life. Why is all this shit just hanging around, any damn way?

4) make my bed everyday. Why? Because one day (even though I hope it'll be my current ex) someone will be in it with me and I'll want it to look neat. 

5) volunteer somewhere in the community weekly. 

6) find a day trip spot and go once a month....take the dog with me :)

7) blog every day about how much it sucks to try and lose weight or be dumped or how delicious my dinner was or whatever the hell else I feel like talking about 

8) do things I previously found aversive example: on Wednesday I am going to catholic mass with a friend. I'm excited about this because I am hopeful for a new and different experience as a result of giving it a second try.

9) make and use cool stuff like sugar scrubs and egg/mayo hair conditioner

10) learn to know that although there's been too much loss in my life - nothing lasts forever and everything changes.