Today.

Today is my day. I woke up and decided that I am going to pause to look at all the wonderful things around me; people, places and things. I am going to give every ounce of anger and hurt I have in my boxing lesson tonight. I am going to continue to keep my head held high and remind myself of my worth. 

This morning the fog was kind of thick and chopped off the top of the skyline. There's something eerie about fog and I like it. 

A friend of mine and I had a nice long conversation about life. There were several things that were holding me back from being happy. 

1) never letting go of my hurt/anger towards my ex from 4yrs ago

2) using substances to quell my emotions

3) processing the deaths of my brother and dad without being in an altered state

4) feeling poorly about my body because I had gained quite a bit of weight back

These are the things I've done to counteract those:

1) the day I got my tattoo, I woke up from a dream with my ex in it - we had an opportunity in said dream to hash out what happened to us and I was able to provide support for her as a friend. I woke up feeling peace in my heart about that. It may be the only closure I ever get...and I am letting it be the only closure I'm going to need. I feel lighter emotionally as a result. 

2) I haven't used anything to get away from my feelings in 16 days. I have been forced to look at myself and analyze and find ways to repair and build up. Panic attack sets in, call a friend...walk to the cafe...distract. Sad about dad or Andrew or Morgan....cry, feel it, process it, get it out and move on with the day. It has been really hard (although this week is much easier than the first) but I feel good when I come out on the other side knowing I did the right thing and used a different, more healthy coping skill. 

3) I've been allowing myself to think about Andrew and dad a lot. I used to either get messed up or just ignore it when I would think about them. Letting myself feel sad and grieve in a clear headed manner has helped me to process some of these feelings. 

4) I've gotten back to the gym, I start private boxing lessons today, I have lost 17lbs. I am trying to look at me the way I want others to look at me. 

I can do this...actually, bump that....I *AM* doing this....and it feels really damn good. 

Again.

These two pictures were taken on April 20, 2013. Wake up. So excited. Morgan is running in the Color Me Rad 5K! Gonna be fun. Hang out after. Stop for chick fil a. Home to change clothes and grab the dog. Headed to NoVa to see my Dad and spend the night with him. It's Manchester Earth Day. Want to stay in RVA and have fun. Dad has been crazy-ish again lately. 95 north. Quantico exit. Phone rings. It's the little brother.

Me: "cellos, violins and violas!"

Ryan: "Bear....Dad died...."

Me: "no no, I'm only 20 mins away"

Again.

I start crying and hit the steering wheel and yell about why do people keep dying without me being able to say good bye? Cry about why this is happening again. First Andrew and now Dad. Morgan offers to drive but I know it'll be worse for me to sit and not do anything. We get to Dad's house and he's still in his bed. Waiting for the funeral home to come to take his body. Ryan and I go in and out of the house to sit with him or look around or freak out. I take 3 of Dads pain killers. Choke them back and know that within an hour, I'll be ok. We talk with neighbors, we keep crying. I read him a blog entry that I wrote knowing he was not going to be with us that much longer. Oxy working through my system, I can handle this now. I have to continue on this perceived path of strength. Only losing it when I'm alone or wasted. Mostly when I'm wasted. Back to Richmond to drop off the dog, get my stuff and head back up to plan another funeral. The night of the viewing we go out with our Uncles. I end up so wasted that I pick a fight with my little brother at the bar. We stayed at his house that night and he said to his wife that night that if I was awake and he had to see me when he got home he wasn't sure how it would go. Lucky for him, I was completely passed out. Funeral time. Eyes glassy. Reeking of whatever I drank the night before. My body is tired from being so drunk. I don't want to be there. I don't want to do this again. We just did this 6mos ago. Funeral is finished, people are coming over to the house. I apologize to Ryan and tell myself not to do it again. I drink a little more slowly that day but still end up drunk...I had enough sense to say I needed to go to bed instead of stay awake and try to keep it together. Got my benzos filled in March - couldn't be responsible with them and just use them for sleep like I'm supposed to. Had to not feel. This kept going until 12 days ago. I didn't realize how much I was using all kinds of things to get by. I didn't realize that my actions when wasted, and also when sober, were ruining my relationship. Was she perfect? No. Was she doing all of the extra that I was doing? No. Here we are a year and a half later. I see it now. I see the path of all of this. Before all of this, sure I got drunk...and sometimes I was mean, but I feel like it intensified and became more frequent after all of this. It feels good in a way to be totally conscious of all that I've done. Not clouded. Honest with myself and folks around me. I've done a lot. Too much. Reckless and dangerous. I'm tired of trying to be tough. This doesn't get to define me anymore. I'm making a new path. 

Insecurity.

What a stupid stupid thing. We all have it and anyone who says they don't probably isn't telling the truth. Let's break this down, shall we? According to Webster:

noun [plural in·se·cu·ri·ties.]

1. lack of confidence or assurance; self-doubt:He is plagued by insecurity.

But why? What happened to cause us to think we don't have that confidence or assurance? For me it was years and years of being cheated on and lied to (not by my current ex, she's always been super respectful of me and us). So eventually I just figured this is the way things go so just be prepared for it. The problem here is that past experiences do not always show up in current or future experiences. So! While I was sitting around being insecure about the ex hollaring at some rando chick, I should've reminded myself that she's with me and if she didn't want to be with me, she would leave (unfortunately she did leave but I still like to think it had nothing to do with someone else). I wasted precious time blowing off compliments and love from someone who was really willing to give it to me because she really did feel that way. I always negated that. Yknow when someone says you look pretty and you respond with "yeah my fat ass was actually able to fit in this"? No? Just me? Well that's a typical me response for compliments. Instead of thank you - even if I didn't internalize it. I think it used to hurt her feelings to have compliments brushed off, and I wish I had realized that a little sooner. Stupid brain. My new tattoo has me feeling pretty sexy lately....here's a pic:

Let's seeeeeeee.....pictures for this entry......

This is a love note I received today - apparently my facial expressions were NOT well contained. 

This morning's sunrise :)

Oh and in case you were curious, I'm still making my bed :) 

Reset.

Its a hard thing, this life. It's hard to balance. It's hard to maintain. It's easy to lose perspective. It's easy to numb things away. It's easy to let yourself go. It's easy to not deal. It takes work to feel the shitty things no one wants to feel. It takes work - hard work - to let go of the things we hold on to that ultimately ruin us. The things that eat us up and spit us back out in worse shape than we could've ever imagined. Hard to let go of the anger and the rage and the hatred for things that have fucked with us - that continues to ruin us. But only because we let it continue to do so. 

I miss the living hell out of my brother and my Dad. I am still angry that my ex who left me 4yrs ago did so. I am angry about my stupid knee injury that makes me feel so limited in some things. I am still mad that my family was so dysfunctional growing up. These things are killing me quickly. Most especially missing my brother and my Dad. When Andrew died I drank. And drank. And drank. Don't feel, just keep going. When Dad died I just didn't feel. 6 mos between the two...I refused to feel. I couldn't. Now I have to because it has caught up with me. It started catching up with me a few months back. Morgan leaving has caused me to have to feel things I never wanted to feel again. Loss. Loss of love. Loss of my best friend. Loss of my closeness with her. For two weeks I've been trying not to feel anymore. It isn't working. Today I allowed myself to be a mess. To fall apart. To feel as shitty as I possibly could because tomorrow is a new day and that isn't happening anymore. I've got some hard work to do, but god damnit I'm going to be happy. Fuck existing - living seems like so much more fun....and since Andrew and Dad can't, I'm going to. I love you, A. I love you, Pops. I love you, Morgan. And most importantly: I love you, self. 

Forward

Two weeks ago I was looking forward to celebrating my (now ex :( ) girlfriend's 30th birthday with her and worried about my cat who had shown some signs of having something wrong with her tummy. Today I am single and my mind is doing that awesome thing that only women going through a break up are capable of doing - making the worst of everything. I've decided that shit simply is not going to work for me. Why should I be sad while she's out having fun? That's not fair. So here will be a bucket list of things I want to do or start making a habit of:

1) go to the gym....even though it sucks...5 days a week

2) photograph everything I can - even if people don't dig it

3) de clutter the hell out of my life. Why is all this shit just hanging around, any damn way?

4) make my bed everyday. Why? Because one day (even though I hope it'll be my current ex) someone will be in it with me and I'll want it to look neat. 

5) volunteer somewhere in the community weekly. 

6) find a day trip spot and go once a month....take the dog with me :)

7) blog every day about how much it sucks to try and lose weight or be dumped or how delicious my dinner was or whatever the hell else I feel like talking about 

8) do things I previously found aversive example: on Wednesday I am going to catholic mass with a friend. I'm excited about this because I am hopeful for a new and different experience as a result of giving it a second try.

9) make and use cool stuff like sugar scrubs and egg/mayo hair conditioner

10) learn to know that although there's been too much loss in my life - nothing lasts forever and everything changes. 

Dad.

So, some times people have what I view as a normal life. My life has never consisted of anything normal. Trauma for my older brother and I when we were young - early use of substances (mostly drinking for me)...constant fighting between our parents....constant fighting between our parents.We took really long trips over the summer that were pretty elaborate and we didn't always get along on those trips - but to me, they were my outlet from the dysfunction that sat within the car doors with me. I always wanted a settled family, but depression, alcohol use/abuse and mental illness does not bode well for anything "normal".

Andrew. My older brother Andrew died on October 21, 2012 from an apparent drug overdose. The phone call I received that Sunday morning at 5am still haunts me. He had his demons but certainly was never malicious. He loved all, but I don't think he ever really loved him self. He and my father had a very tumultuous relationship that got increasingly worse over the years.Dad had Andrew arrested countless times - which just broke our family apart even more each and every single time.

Ryan. He's a great kid. Lots of potential. Smart as a whip. Very talented photographer. Sweet as can possible be. I love this kid to no end. I always have and I always will.

Dad. My Dad mostly treated me like I was the son he didn't have because I would go out and shoot pictures with him, or play garage door bingo, or take trips with him when the boys didn't want to. We went to London, California, Vegas, Pennsylvania...all of which I remember vividly. We could also banter back and forth about him being an avid Red Sox fan and myself being an avid Yankees fan. He was never warm and fuzyy and he pushed me to just get it done...just finish school, Kari...just apply for that next job, Kari....just keep going - you'll be finished one day and wish you were back in school. For all that he every said to me that was less than compassionate is this gem: the difference between success and failure in life is how you deal with difficult personalities. It has become something I hold on to all the time.

Dad. I am sorry that you won't see me get married. I'm sorry that you won't meet the child that I will one day bring in to this world. I'm sorry you won't get to see my graduate with my PhD....I know you have always wanted me to do that. I'm sorry that we never made it to Yankees Stadium together like we wanted to. I'm sorry we wont drive red convertibles in California or eat at Carl's Junior anymore and I wish I had taken them a bit more serious at the time. I'm sorry there won't be anymore early wake ups to get the best shots of the sweet light wherever we may be traveling. I'm sorry we'll never play black jack together again - especially since you're the one who taught me. I'm sorry we won't snowmobile anymore or stay up late in the pub and sing along to all of our favorite songs. Although we didn't have a great relationship, and sometimes I didn't even really like you - I did always love you. Seeing you the way you are now breaks my heart into a million pieces. You are so young - you should still have so many years left in you. It breaks my hears that you may not. I hate seeing you cry - because there have been minimal if any times I have ever seen you do so.

I promise you the following things:
1) I will go to Yankee stadium and I will watch my boys play and I will bring you a souvenier
2) I will finish my PhD
3) I will continue on my crusade for good
4) I will make sure Erin and Ryan are always taken care of
5) I will drive a red convertible up and down the entire PCH
6) I will make sure that if I ever have a child, that I take them to all of the places you took me
7) I promise to never stop wanting to change the world
8) I promise I will always be a democrat
9) I promise you'll always be my Pops
10) I promise I will always love you

I need you to know these things before anything else happens...I hate that you are sad, I hate that you are in pain, I hate that you are confused, I hate that you are uncomfortable, I hate all of this for you....but I will always love you - you can always count on that. After all, we have the same initials.

Permission.

So...something that has bothered me for a VERY very very long time is how we, as a society, are obsessed with trivializing one another's problems. For example: if I come to a friend with a gripe or complaint, I know that my problems can always "be worse". Of course I am grateful for not missing a limb, having all of my immediate family members with me, having a job, roof over my head, food, friends, love, etc.etc.etc., but when did it become so wrong for people to feel how they feel? When did it become so wrong to just have a good, old fashioned bitch session? When, and why, did we stop giving people permission to feel exactly how they're feeling, at exactly that moment, and meet them where they are instead of trying to take it away from them? It's time that we stop taking that away from people and start giving them what they are looking for - validation for their feelings.

If I get up in the morning and bitch about how I don't want to get out of the bed - I don't want to be met with some nonsense about how at least I woke up. Of course I'm happy that I woke up - of course I am grateful to have all that I have - I was just making a bratty little comment about having to get out of a warm bed (which, if you don't hate THAT feeling, then you're lying to yourself and everyone around you). So - the next time someone comes to you with a complaint, a vent, a sad story, a need for a listening ear...please PLEASE do not remind them that it can "always be worse"....just listen, validate their feelings, let them get it off their chest and then.....remind them that you love them.

Life.

I feel like it is absolutely ridiculous that we work our asses off, only to be dealt the cards that say "pay all of your bills, spend all of your money, have no fun/time for yourself". I know I bitch about money a lot, but it used to be something that I had a plethora of - it was much easier when splitting all bills with someone...but since I no longer have that luxury, it's kind of kicking my ass. I don't really love it - but at the same time, I don't want to live with anyone (roommate, girlfriend, etc.) so I guess I will just accept the consequences and keep it movin'. Diamond Dog and I gots all we need. I guess it's just hitting me extra hard because work messes with our paychecks in December, and I have to Christmas shop still. Yikes! I wish I had to motivation to get a second job, but I really don't think that I can deal with that and handle everything else. Hopefully going back to school will help.

I emailed 3 different PhD programs at VCU yesterday: social and behavioral health, counseling psychology and special education/disability policy. I can't decide which one I'm most interested in - and I can't express how much I am NOT looking forward to taking the GRE for admission...I was hoping my MAT combined with my Master's degree would suffice, but no dice. Oh-well...rules are rules :)

I'm interested to see how the upcoming Presidential show down shakes out. I think it will be really interesting to see which candidates end up being teased out on the republican side. I'm excited - this is going to be a very pumped up year.

My 2nd annual Christmas party is tomorrow - I'm so excited to see my friends and to just relax and enjoy good company. Due to the constant running around/gym/work/whatever, I feel like I don't get to see/spend much time with my friends - the guest list includes some super winners :) Should be around 25-30 folks here...I can't wait...my apartment is totally decorated. I love that when you look out the guest room you see the entire sky line lit up through the lights that are inside my own window. It's very pictureesque. Festive festive festive! I can't wait to see Christmas lights next week with Morgan - we've decided to tackle south side tacky lights since I've seen the ones in the West End countless times. I'm stoked.

Happy Friday, friends.

Closure.

There's a point in time, in all our lives, where we lose a great something. A family member, a great love, a pet, etc. What do we do when this happens? We go through the stages of grief - each more painful than the last, sometimes in "order", sometimes in random succession...we try to make sense - we ask why - we shed tears - we go back in our minds about how things could have been different - we yell - we bitch - we ask for it back - we try to find and believe in something greater than ourselves to bring it back - we plead - we try to make it better - we ask for help - we cry on our friends shoulders - we do things to take our minds off of it - we try to make it not so - we say "why the fuck is this happening to me?". What happens if we don't get closure? How do we make sense of what happened? It suddenly becomes our responsibility to take it in to our hands and make it so that we have some peace in our heart about what has happened.

Life's a bitch. A chain link fence of happiness, heartbreak, horrible events, love, wonder, change...the whole gamut of emotions. So how do we make it better? How do we let go? Sometimes it's up to us to ensure that we get what we need. This can be in the form of a prayer, a letter, an email, all of the above...but if someone can't give it to you, then you have to make peace in your own heart. You have to let go. You have to breathe it in to the universe so that it is no longer yours. It doesn't mean you forget, or stop loving or stop the feelings you've had. It simply means that you no longer allow it to block things in your life that you may have been missing out on while holding on to what is no longer there. Does it hurt? It hurts like hell. Does it make you sad? It made me sad. Is it also freeing? You're damn right it is. I will always love the person I spent 4 years and 9mos of my life with - but it is not fair to the person I've loved and spent the past 16 months with to continue to hang on. Countless times she should have walked away from my crazy, bitchy, emotional self - but she didn't...I owe it to her, to us to be the best person in a relationship I can be - which is a pretty damn good person. This means closing part of the book of my past life and fully opening the book of my present life. Waiting around for life to start isn't going to cut it for me anymore - that having been said, I have decided to apply to a PhD program...now I just need to decide which one I want to apply to. I was destined for greatness and have been selling myself short - that's no longer going to work for me.

In closing, I'm sharing some lyrics by Sugarland - I feel like this song sums me up, but I'm on my way to changing this. Loves.

Little miss done on love
Little miss, I give up
Little miss, I'll get tough, don't you worry about me anymore
Little miss checkered dress
Little miss, one big mess
Little miss, I'll take less when I always give so much more

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
It'll be alright again
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay (I'm okay)
It'll be alright again, I'm okay

Little miss, do your best
Little miss, never rest
Little miss, be my guest, I'll make more anytime that it runs out
Little miss, you'll go far
Little miss, hide your scars
Little miss, who you are is so much more than you like to talk about

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
It'll be alright again
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay (I'm okay)
It'll be alright again, I'm okay

Hold on
Hold on, you are loved
Are loved...

Little miss, brand new start
Little miss, do your part
Little miss, big old heart beats wide open and she's ready now for love

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
It'll be alright again
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay (I'm okay, it'll be alright again)
I'm okay! (It'll be alright again)

Friends.

 

Today we went to Plant Zero Cafe for brunch - it was a relatively well organized building event. 7 of us were in attendance..only one of which doesn't live in my building. I really must say - I love and adore my friends. We all laughed, and ordered as many $1.50 mimosas as we could - and then walked back across the street. Gotta love that, right? Kara was so sweet and drove us to the market afterward so we could get more mimosa makings and she got some pumpkins. I've been thinking a lot about the people who drain me emotionally and otherwise just to remain a "friend". I love the new folks I've met recently because they don't cause me to feel this way - they just act as true, genuine friends. I love genuine folks. I needed to blog about these folks, and have decided that soon I will make a blog post about the dog park friends with their best friends (the dogs) to include pictures of dogs and owners together...stay tuned for that. I feel so silly talking to folks on my blog - I'm not even sure who reads it...BUT if you're one of the lucky ones that does, stay tuned for the dog pics :) Friends are amazing - we should all be so lucky as to have a handful of amazing ones.

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Kara.

Thank you to my wonderful first follower and neighbor, Kara. Her blog: oncetherewasatree-kara.blogspot.com is pretty rad - not to mention that she gives me lots of support and love and laughs and is currently the member of my first youtube sensation...which is (hopefully) gonna go viral any day now...how exciting is that? Here's the link in case you missed it here's Kara's awesome ass on the roof top deck during the hurricane. What a great friend - I guess moving to the scary Manchester part of the city isn't so bad after all <3