Today.

Today is my day. I woke up and decided that I am going to pause to look at all the wonderful things around me; people, places and things. I am going to give every ounce of anger and hurt I have in my boxing lesson tonight. I am going to continue to keep my head held high and remind myself of my worth. 

This morning the fog was kind of thick and chopped off the top of the skyline. There's something eerie about fog and I like it. 

A friend of mine and I had a nice long conversation about life. There were several things that were holding me back from being happy. 

1) never letting go of my hurt/anger towards my ex from 4yrs ago

2) using substances to quell my emotions

3) processing the deaths of my brother and dad without being in an altered state

4) feeling poorly about my body because I had gained quite a bit of weight back

These are the things I've done to counteract those:

1) the day I got my tattoo, I woke up from a dream with my ex in it - we had an opportunity in said dream to hash out what happened to us and I was able to provide support for her as a friend. I woke up feeling peace in my heart about that. It may be the only closure I ever get...and I am letting it be the only closure I'm going to need. I feel lighter emotionally as a result. 

2) I haven't used anything to get away from my feelings in 16 days. I have been forced to look at myself and analyze and find ways to repair and build up. Panic attack sets in, call a friend...walk to the cafe...distract. Sad about dad or Andrew or Morgan....cry, feel it, process it, get it out and move on with the day. It has been really hard (although this week is much easier than the first) but I feel good when I come out on the other side knowing I did the right thing and used a different, more healthy coping skill. 

3) I've been allowing myself to think about Andrew and dad a lot. I used to either get messed up or just ignore it when I would think about them. Letting myself feel sad and grieve in a clear headed manner has helped me to process some of these feelings. 

4) I've gotten back to the gym, I start private boxing lessons today, I have lost 17lbs. I am trying to look at me the way I want others to look at me. 

I can do this...actually, bump that....I *AM* doing this....and it feels really damn good. 

Reset.

Its a hard thing, this life. It's hard to balance. It's hard to maintain. It's easy to lose perspective. It's easy to numb things away. It's easy to let yourself go. It's easy to not deal. It takes work to feel the shitty things no one wants to feel. It takes work - hard work - to let go of the things we hold on to that ultimately ruin us. The things that eat us up and spit us back out in worse shape than we could've ever imagined. Hard to let go of the anger and the rage and the hatred for things that have fucked with us - that continues to ruin us. But only because we let it continue to do so. 

I miss the living hell out of my brother and my Dad. I am still angry that my ex who left me 4yrs ago did so. I am angry about my stupid knee injury that makes me feel so limited in some things. I am still mad that my family was so dysfunctional growing up. These things are killing me quickly. Most especially missing my brother and my Dad. When Andrew died I drank. And drank. And drank. Don't feel, just keep going. When Dad died I just didn't feel. 6 mos between the two...I refused to feel. I couldn't. Now I have to because it has caught up with me. It started catching up with me a few months back. Morgan leaving has caused me to have to feel things I never wanted to feel again. Loss. Loss of love. Loss of my best friend. Loss of my closeness with her. For two weeks I've been trying not to feel anymore. It isn't working. Today I allowed myself to be a mess. To fall apart. To feel as shitty as I possibly could because tomorrow is a new day and that isn't happening anymore. I've got some hard work to do, but god damnit I'm going to be happy. Fuck existing - living seems like so much more fun....and since Andrew and Dad can't, I'm going to. I love you, A. I love you, Pops. I love you, Morgan. And most importantly: I love you, self. 

Dad.

So, some times people have what I view as a normal life. My life has never consisted of anything normal. Trauma for my older brother and I when we were young - early use of substances (mostly drinking for me)...constant fighting between our parents....constant fighting between our parents.We took really long trips over the summer that were pretty elaborate and we didn't always get along on those trips - but to me, they were my outlet from the dysfunction that sat within the car doors with me. I always wanted a settled family, but depression, alcohol use/abuse and mental illness does not bode well for anything "normal".

Andrew. My older brother Andrew died on October 21, 2012 from an apparent drug overdose. The phone call I received that Sunday morning at 5am still haunts me. He had his demons but certainly was never malicious. He loved all, but I don't think he ever really loved him self. He and my father had a very tumultuous relationship that got increasingly worse over the years.Dad had Andrew arrested countless times - which just broke our family apart even more each and every single time.

Ryan. He's a great kid. Lots of potential. Smart as a whip. Very talented photographer. Sweet as can possible be. I love this kid to no end. I always have and I always will.

Dad. My Dad mostly treated me like I was the son he didn't have because I would go out and shoot pictures with him, or play garage door bingo, or take trips with him when the boys didn't want to. We went to London, California, Vegas, Pennsylvania...all of which I remember vividly. We could also banter back and forth about him being an avid Red Sox fan and myself being an avid Yankees fan. He was never warm and fuzyy and he pushed me to just get it done...just finish school, Kari...just apply for that next job, Kari....just keep going - you'll be finished one day and wish you were back in school. For all that he every said to me that was less than compassionate is this gem: the difference between success and failure in life is how you deal with difficult personalities. It has become something I hold on to all the time.

Dad. I am sorry that you won't see me get married. I'm sorry that you won't meet the child that I will one day bring in to this world. I'm sorry you won't get to see my graduate with my PhD....I know you have always wanted me to do that. I'm sorry that we never made it to Yankees Stadium together like we wanted to. I'm sorry we wont drive red convertibles in California or eat at Carl's Junior anymore and I wish I had taken them a bit more serious at the time. I'm sorry there won't be anymore early wake ups to get the best shots of the sweet light wherever we may be traveling. I'm sorry we'll never play black jack together again - especially since you're the one who taught me. I'm sorry we won't snowmobile anymore or stay up late in the pub and sing along to all of our favorite songs. Although we didn't have a great relationship, and sometimes I didn't even really like you - I did always love you. Seeing you the way you are now breaks my heart into a million pieces. You are so young - you should still have so many years left in you. It breaks my hears that you may not. I hate seeing you cry - because there have been minimal if any times I have ever seen you do so.

I promise you the following things:
1) I will go to Yankee stadium and I will watch my boys play and I will bring you a souvenier
2) I will finish my PhD
3) I will continue on my crusade for good
4) I will make sure Erin and Ryan are always taken care of
5) I will drive a red convertible up and down the entire PCH
6) I will make sure that if I ever have a child, that I take them to all of the places you took me
7) I promise to never stop wanting to change the world
8) I promise I will always be a democrat
9) I promise you'll always be my Pops
10) I promise I will always love you

I need you to know these things before anything else happens...I hate that you are sad, I hate that you are in pain, I hate that you are confused, I hate that you are uncomfortable, I hate all of this for you....but I will always love you - you can always count on that. After all, we have the same initials.