Today.

Today is my day. I woke up and decided that I am going to pause to look at all the wonderful things around me; people, places and things. I am going to give every ounce of anger and hurt I have in my boxing lesson tonight. I am going to continue to keep my head held high and remind myself of my worth. 

This morning the fog was kind of thick and chopped off the top of the skyline. There's something eerie about fog and I like it. 

A friend of mine and I had a nice long conversation about life. There were several things that were holding me back from being happy. 

1) never letting go of my hurt/anger towards my ex from 4yrs ago

2) using substances to quell my emotions

3) processing the deaths of my brother and dad without being in an altered state

4) feeling poorly about my body because I had gained quite a bit of weight back

These are the things I've done to counteract those:

1) the day I got my tattoo, I woke up from a dream with my ex in it - we had an opportunity in said dream to hash out what happened to us and I was able to provide support for her as a friend. I woke up feeling peace in my heart about that. It may be the only closure I ever get...and I am letting it be the only closure I'm going to need. I feel lighter emotionally as a result. 

2) I haven't used anything to get away from my feelings in 16 days. I have been forced to look at myself and analyze and find ways to repair and build up. Panic attack sets in, call a friend...walk to the cafe...distract. Sad about dad or Andrew or Morgan....cry, feel it, process it, get it out and move on with the day. It has been really hard (although this week is much easier than the first) but I feel good when I come out on the other side knowing I did the right thing and used a different, more healthy coping skill. 

3) I've been allowing myself to think about Andrew and dad a lot. I used to either get messed up or just ignore it when I would think about them. Letting myself feel sad and grieve in a clear headed manner has helped me to process some of these feelings. 

4) I've gotten back to the gym, I start private boxing lessons today, I have lost 17lbs. I am trying to look at me the way I want others to look at me. 

I can do this...actually, bump that....I *AM* doing this....and it feels really damn good. 

Unknown.

Today is day 15 of not getting f'd up to get away from my feelings. I'm proud of myself and feel like I'm certainly on the right path. I feel more clear headed and rational than I have in a very long time. However, I still have break up brain. I can't believe it has been a month since I've seen the one person who I love with my entire heart. There's been so much distance put between is and I fear she will forget. Forget me, forget Diamond and Greta (who she once loved as if they were her own), forget our life together, forget the fun things we did and how when things were good, they were so good. I want a life with her. Not the life we had, not the way we both had become. But a real life, with future plans and communication and feeling good about ourselves so we feel good in our relationship. Laughing and crying and spending time with friends, cooking and eating together. Going on vacations and experiencing new things together. Holding hands when we walk down the streets and sneaking kisses when no one is looking. 

The unknown is so hard. Will she ever speak to me again? Will we ever have a chance to talk and give this a try once more? Will she try to push me out so far that we are then strangers? I hope not. I have a little hope that we can come back together as more improved versions of ourselves and make it work. I haven't given up. I haven't stopped loving her. I haven't walked away just yet. Because I have a little bit of hope that we can work this out. That we can show the love we once had. It's just so hard. Hard to hold on. 

"Say Something"

Say something, I'm giving up on you

I'll be the one, if you want me to

Anywhere I would've followed you

Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I am feeling so small

It was over my head

I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall

I'm still learning to love

Just starting to crawl

Say something, I'm giving up on you

I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you

Anywhere I would've followed you

Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride

You're the one that I love

And I'm saying goodbye

Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you

And anywhere I would've followed you (Oh-oh-oh-oh)

Say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something...