Today.

Today is my day. I woke up and decided that I am going to pause to look at all the wonderful things around me; people, places and things. I am going to give every ounce of anger and hurt I have in my boxing lesson tonight. I am going to continue to keep my head held high and remind myself of my worth. 

This morning the fog was kind of thick and chopped off the top of the skyline. There's something eerie about fog and I like it. 

A friend of mine and I had a nice long conversation about life. There were several things that were holding me back from being happy. 

1) never letting go of my hurt/anger towards my ex from 4yrs ago

2) using substances to quell my emotions

3) processing the deaths of my brother and dad without being in an altered state

4) feeling poorly about my body because I had gained quite a bit of weight back

These are the things I've done to counteract those:

1) the day I got my tattoo, I woke up from a dream with my ex in it - we had an opportunity in said dream to hash out what happened to us and I was able to provide support for her as a friend. I woke up feeling peace in my heart about that. It may be the only closure I ever get...and I am letting it be the only closure I'm going to need. I feel lighter emotionally as a result. 

2) I haven't used anything to get away from my feelings in 16 days. I have been forced to look at myself and analyze and find ways to repair and build up. Panic attack sets in, call a friend...walk to the cafe...distract. Sad about dad or Andrew or Morgan....cry, feel it, process it, get it out and move on with the day. It has been really hard (although this week is much easier than the first) but I feel good when I come out on the other side knowing I did the right thing and used a different, more healthy coping skill. 

3) I've been allowing myself to think about Andrew and dad a lot. I used to either get messed up or just ignore it when I would think about them. Letting myself feel sad and grieve in a clear headed manner has helped me to process some of these feelings. 

4) I've gotten back to the gym, I start private boxing lessons today, I have lost 17lbs. I am trying to look at me the way I want others to look at me. 

I can do this...actually, bump that....I *AM* doing this....and it feels really damn good. 

One.

Today is day one of my commitment to a new way of living. It started with 6hrs of sober, uninterrupted sleep which I got to prolong because I was off today - SCORE! It took a bit of convincing myself to get up and go to the gym but I did and did an hour on that damned elliptical. I hate that thing. I actually hate the gym in general but what I hate more is not sticking to a commitment I made which was to go to the effing gym. Here's the deal - I've never been athletic. I love to dance, and I like to move - but I don't have that "get trained" mindset ingrained in me. So what I'm really trying to do is get my body healthy....I'll never do a marathon or even be able to run (damn knees!) but i do recall a time when I was thinner and felt better about myself and so why not make that a goal - just to feel better? It was 96 degrees today when I got to the gym and I worked out in my usual (black, VCU sweatpants....yes, pants....I'm not comfortable with how I look in other workout gear).

I then took the dog for a 2 mile walk and as a result, worked out just .2 miles shy of a 10K. How's that for a Monday? I mean - I owned it :) for the most part. I'm so excited about work tomorrow - I'm sitting on an interview panel and those are always so amusing. Some crazy people apply for jobs :) 

3 things that made me happy today:

1) watching Greta (my cat) go all bananas for no reason

2) accomplished what I set out to do

3) got to spend good quality time with Diamond Dog 

Bonus: I had amazing key lime pie :)