Life.

I feel like it is absolutely ridiculous that we work our asses off, only to be dealt the cards that say "pay all of your bills, spend all of your money, have no fun/time for yourself". I know I bitch about money a lot, but it used to be something that I had a plethora of - it was much easier when splitting all bills with someone...but since I no longer have that luxury, it's kind of kicking my ass. I don't really love it - but at the same time, I don't want to live with anyone (roommate, girlfriend, etc.) so I guess I will just accept the consequences and keep it movin'. Diamond Dog and I gots all we need. I guess it's just hitting me extra hard because work messes with our paychecks in December, and I have to Christmas shop still. Yikes! I wish I had to motivation to get a second job, but I really don't think that I can deal with that and handle everything else. Hopefully going back to school will help.

I emailed 3 different PhD programs at VCU yesterday: social and behavioral health, counseling psychology and special education/disability policy. I can't decide which one I'm most interested in - and I can't express how much I am NOT looking forward to taking the GRE for admission...I was hoping my MAT combined with my Master's degree would suffice, but no dice. Oh-well...rules are rules :)

I'm interested to see how the upcoming Presidential show down shakes out. I think it will be really interesting to see which candidates end up being teased out on the republican side. I'm excited - this is going to be a very pumped up year.

My 2nd annual Christmas party is tomorrow - I'm so excited to see my friends and to just relax and enjoy good company. Due to the constant running around/gym/work/whatever, I feel like I don't get to see/spend much time with my friends - the guest list includes some super winners :) Should be around 25-30 folks here...I can't wait...my apartment is totally decorated. I love that when you look out the guest room you see the entire sky line lit up through the lights that are inside my own window. It's very pictureesque. Festive festive festive! I can't wait to see Christmas lights next week with Morgan - we've decided to tackle south side tacky lights since I've seen the ones in the West End countless times. I'm stoked.

Happy Friday, friends.

Closure.

There's a point in time, in all our lives, where we lose a great something. A family member, a great love, a pet, etc. What do we do when this happens? We go through the stages of grief - each more painful than the last, sometimes in "order", sometimes in random succession...we try to make sense - we ask why - we shed tears - we go back in our minds about how things could have been different - we yell - we bitch - we ask for it back - we try to find and believe in something greater than ourselves to bring it back - we plead - we try to make it better - we ask for help - we cry on our friends shoulders - we do things to take our minds off of it - we try to make it not so - we say "why the fuck is this happening to me?". What happens if we don't get closure? How do we make sense of what happened? It suddenly becomes our responsibility to take it in to our hands and make it so that we have some peace in our heart about what has happened.

Life's a bitch. A chain link fence of happiness, heartbreak, horrible events, love, wonder, change...the whole gamut of emotions. So how do we make it better? How do we let go? Sometimes it's up to us to ensure that we get what we need. This can be in the form of a prayer, a letter, an email, all of the above...but if someone can't give it to you, then you have to make peace in your own heart. You have to let go. You have to breathe it in to the universe so that it is no longer yours. It doesn't mean you forget, or stop loving or stop the feelings you've had. It simply means that you no longer allow it to block things in your life that you may have been missing out on while holding on to what is no longer there. Does it hurt? It hurts like hell. Does it make you sad? It made me sad. Is it also freeing? You're damn right it is. I will always love the person I spent 4 years and 9mos of my life with - but it is not fair to the person I've loved and spent the past 16 months with to continue to hang on. Countless times she should have walked away from my crazy, bitchy, emotional self - but she didn't...I owe it to her, to us to be the best person in a relationship I can be - which is a pretty damn good person. This means closing part of the book of my past life and fully opening the book of my present life. Waiting around for life to start isn't going to cut it for me anymore - that having been said, I have decided to apply to a PhD program...now I just need to decide which one I want to apply to. I was destined for greatness and have been selling myself short - that's no longer going to work for me.

In closing, I'm sharing some lyrics by Sugarland - I feel like this song sums me up, but I'm on my way to changing this. Loves.

Little miss done on love
Little miss, I give up
Little miss, I'll get tough, don't you worry about me anymore
Little miss checkered dress
Little miss, one big mess
Little miss, I'll take less when I always give so much more

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
It'll be alright again
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay (I'm okay)
It'll be alright again, I'm okay

Little miss, do your best
Little miss, never rest
Little miss, be my guest, I'll make more anytime that it runs out
Little miss, you'll go far
Little miss, hide your scars
Little miss, who you are is so much more than you like to talk about

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
It'll be alright again
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay (I'm okay)
It'll be alright again, I'm okay

Hold on
Hold on, you are loved
Are loved...

Little miss, brand new start
Little miss, do your part
Little miss, big old heart beats wide open and she's ready now for love

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
It'll be alright again
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay (I'm okay, it'll be alright again)
I'm okay! (It'll be alright again)