Insecurity.

What a stupid stupid thing. We all have it and anyone who says they don't probably isn't telling the truth. Let's break this down, shall we? According to Webster:

noun [plural in·se·cu·ri·ties.]

1. lack of confidence or assurance; self-doubt:He is plagued by insecurity.

But why? What happened to cause us to think we don't have that confidence or assurance? For me it was years and years of being cheated on and lied to (not by my current ex, she's always been super respectful of me and us). So eventually I just figured this is the way things go so just be prepared for it. The problem here is that past experiences do not always show up in current or future experiences. So! While I was sitting around being insecure about the ex hollaring at some rando chick, I should've reminded myself that she's with me and if she didn't want to be with me, she would leave (unfortunately she did leave but I still like to think it had nothing to do with someone else). I wasted precious time blowing off compliments and love from someone who was really willing to give it to me because she really did feel that way. I always negated that. Yknow when someone says you look pretty and you respond with "yeah my fat ass was actually able to fit in this"? No? Just me? Well that's a typical me response for compliments. Instead of thank you - even if I didn't internalize it. I think it used to hurt her feelings to have compliments brushed off, and I wish I had realized that a little sooner. Stupid brain. My new tattoo has me feeling pretty sexy lately....here's a pic:

Let's seeeeeeee.....pictures for this entry......

This is a love note I received today - apparently my facial expressions were NOT well contained. 

This morning's sunrise :)

Oh and in case you were curious, I'm still making my bed :) 

Two.

Relatively uneventful yet even keel day I must say. Work, work meeting, gym, etc. Must be because tattoo day is less than 48hrs away! I can't wait! Buzz buzz buzz! Yeah I don't have shit to say tonight except share some pictures I took today that I dig :) a sunrise with my coffee on my roof deck, coffee at my favorite coffee place, my super adorbs niece wearing the dress I got her that's made from a vintage PacMan sheet :) 

Mug.

I said a while ago that I wanted to start writing a blog entry for each of the very special mugs I have....so I'm starting that today. :)

This mug was my Dad's....it has an Irish Blessing which I grew up with all around me. I don't really recall my dad being a big coffee drinker, I just remember this being his mug and nobody else really using it. When he died I pleaded with my brother for it since our Irish Heritage was something Pops and I always took such great pride in. Thanks for starting my day with me today, Dad :) 

May the road rise up to meet you.

May the wind be always at your back.

May The Lord always hold you in the hollow of his hand.

One.

Today is day one of my commitment to a new way of living. It started with 6hrs of sober, uninterrupted sleep which I got to prolong because I was off today - SCORE! It took a bit of convincing myself to get up and go to the gym but I did and did an hour on that damned elliptical. I hate that thing. I actually hate the gym in general but what I hate more is not sticking to a commitment I made which was to go to the effing gym. Here's the deal - I've never been athletic. I love to dance, and I like to move - but I don't have that "get trained" mindset ingrained in me. So what I'm really trying to do is get my body healthy....I'll never do a marathon or even be able to run (damn knees!) but i do recall a time when I was thinner and felt better about myself and so why not make that a goal - just to feel better? It was 96 degrees today when I got to the gym and I worked out in my usual (black, VCU sweatpants....yes, pants....I'm not comfortable with how I look in other workout gear).

I then took the dog for a 2 mile walk and as a result, worked out just .2 miles shy of a 10K. How's that for a Monday? I mean - I owned it :) for the most part. I'm so excited about work tomorrow - I'm sitting on an interview panel and those are always so amusing. Some crazy people apply for jobs :) 

3 things that made me happy today:

1) watching Greta (my cat) go all bananas for no reason

2) accomplished what I set out to do

3) got to spend good quality time with Diamond Dog 

Bonus: I had amazing key lime pie :)

Reset.

Its a hard thing, this life. It's hard to balance. It's hard to maintain. It's easy to lose perspective. It's easy to numb things away. It's easy to let yourself go. It's easy to not deal. It takes work to feel the shitty things no one wants to feel. It takes work - hard work - to let go of the things we hold on to that ultimately ruin us. The things that eat us up and spit us back out in worse shape than we could've ever imagined. Hard to let go of the anger and the rage and the hatred for things that have fucked with us - that continues to ruin us. But only because we let it continue to do so. 

I miss the living hell out of my brother and my Dad. I am still angry that my ex who left me 4yrs ago did so. I am angry about my stupid knee injury that makes me feel so limited in some things. I am still mad that my family was so dysfunctional growing up. These things are killing me quickly. Most especially missing my brother and my Dad. When Andrew died I drank. And drank. And drank. Don't feel, just keep going. When Dad died I just didn't feel. 6 mos between the two...I refused to feel. I couldn't. Now I have to because it has caught up with me. It started catching up with me a few months back. Morgan leaving has caused me to have to feel things I never wanted to feel again. Loss. Loss of love. Loss of my best friend. Loss of my closeness with her. For two weeks I've been trying not to feel anymore. It isn't working. Today I allowed myself to be a mess. To fall apart. To feel as shitty as I possibly could because tomorrow is a new day and that isn't happening anymore. I've got some hard work to do, but god damnit I'm going to be happy. Fuck existing - living seems like so much more fun....and since Andrew and Dad can't, I'm going to. I love you, A. I love you, Pops. I love you, Morgan. And most importantly: I love you, self. 

Start.

So today I made my bed. For some reason it felt really good. Like I had done something normal and adult like. Sounds weird I'm sure, but it felt good to peel my down comforter back when I came to bed tonight and situate my pillows. Like turn down service at a fancy hotel. Whatevs. 

My fourth was super relaxing. Laid in bed for a super long time, tidied up the apartamento, ate for the first time in 3 days (yummy Cuban food with my pal Renee), stopped at a party for a bit and then came home and watched fireworks from the Rooftop of the building next to mine (my rooftop attracts some hoodlums this time of year)

Tomorrow will consist of gymming and 2 different parties before watching fireworks right over my head. Just to let everyone know, it still sucks to be dumped. I lost 10lbs (weighed in this am) aaaaaaaaand am gonna use that slight bit of "go me!" to fuel my motivation for the gym. I'm excited. I gots tons of plans for this week of stuff that needs to be taken care of - that I'm stoked to accomplish. Yes yes yes - go me :)

Forward

Two weeks ago I was looking forward to celebrating my (now ex :( ) girlfriend's 30th birthday with her and worried about my cat who had shown some signs of having something wrong with her tummy. Today I am single and my mind is doing that awesome thing that only women going through a break up are capable of doing - making the worst of everything. I've decided that shit simply is not going to work for me. Why should I be sad while she's out having fun? That's not fair. So here will be a bucket list of things I want to do or start making a habit of:

1) go to the gym....even though it sucks...5 days a week

2) photograph everything I can - even if people don't dig it

3) de clutter the hell out of my life. Why is all this shit just hanging around, any damn way?

4) make my bed everyday. Why? Because one day (even though I hope it'll be my current ex) someone will be in it with me and I'll want it to look neat. 

5) volunteer somewhere in the community weekly. 

6) find a day trip spot and go once a month....take the dog with me :)

7) blog every day about how much it sucks to try and lose weight or be dumped or how delicious my dinner was or whatever the hell else I feel like talking about 

8) do things I previously found aversive example: on Wednesday I am going to catholic mass with a friend. I'm excited about this because I am hopeful for a new and different experience as a result of giving it a second try.

9) make and use cool stuff like sugar scrubs and egg/mayo hair conditioner

10) learn to know that although there's been too much loss in my life - nothing lasts forever and everything changes.