Cry.

Going back through old emails never proves to be a good idea. Re-reading emails between Morgan and I and how happy we were. Or reading all of these lyrics she would send me. I used to get so frustrated when she wouldn't communicate the way I wanted her to. What I didn't realize is that she was communicating...with all of the beautiful lyrics she sent me over the years. I feel like such a bitch for not realizing it before now. 

Then there's the email she sent me the day after I broke up with her. The day after I spent the night in jail because my Dad had me arrested. The day I walked out of jail and shoved several Ativan in my mouth with no water in the lobby of the jail. The day we buried my brother. The day I told my dad to shut the fuck up during lunch with everyone after we left the cemetery. That was the last time I remember my Dad being coherent enough for me to have a conversation and I wasted it by telling him to shut the fuck up. I wouldn't see him again until he was unable to walk, in a hospital bed yelling at every single person who tried to talk to him. All I can do is cry. And cry. For so many reasons. Because I fucked up so badly with Morgan. Because I didn't get it together when I should have. Because I wasted precious moments that I can't get back with my Dad. I'm just left here to be reminded once again of how it is that I don't want to live anymore. I feel like I just cleaned out another part of my fucked up head by crying my eyes out. Now it's time to move on and know that I don't have to make the same shitty choices ever again.