Understand.

There were so many times I didn't understand why Morgan wouldn't communicate with me the way I wanted her to. We established that in the last blog. But what a selfish bitch I was to not see that that's how she communicates. The words she sent me were beautiful. They were from her heart. They said all the things I wanted her to say. I just didn't pay attention. I didn't see that was her way of telling me what I wanted so badly for her to say to my face....

Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent

--Victor Hugo

So it really is a lot more important than I ever thought. I should've taken it as it was - beautiful words from another person to me. Why question it? Insecurity. At the same time, I feel terrible to have not ever gotten her a real stocking for Christmas. Diamond, Greta and I all have ones with our initials bedazzled on them....ridiculous. She had a generic one that I got from target because (as I told her) "when we break up it'll just be easier to throw away"....I said this out first Christmas together. Who does that? I want her to have an M stocking. I want her to feel a part of. I don't want to pretend I can keep her at arms length anymore because I can't. Looking back, I never really did. I just thought I did. I don't know if I will ever get to be able to make that better and I hate that. All of the things I didn't include her in...I can't imagine how that made her feel. Maybe relieved but I'm sure certainly not good. I'm sorry boo. I really am.