Aware.

I looked back through old texts today - unlike the old emails, this proved to be a good thing. I was able to really see how it is that I treated Morgan. As I was reading my responses to her - I felt like yelling at myself in that moment to stop being a bitch to her. Stop being short with her. Don't you see she was trying to be helpful and communicate and you're just shutting it down? Who gives a shit if she's active on Facebook messenger? who gives a shit if she didn't answer a text immediately? Why are was it always all about you - why weren't you equal? All of the way I responded to her was wrong. I had someone who really truly loved me. Who honestly should've left me years ago. Who stayed through all of my mean, drunk, sad, angry, anxious nonsense. Who would've done anything, and did as much as she could, to make me happy. I truly understand how my behavior impacted this. How my inability to stop using shit made me miserable, irritable, flat, tired, awful and probably unlovable. Now I'm aware. Now I'm looking at why and how to change it. Now it's too late. I would love more than anything to just be able to show her that I am willing to make the changes...I am making the changes. I wish I had an opportunity to apologize to her Mom for treating her amazing daughter so poorly. I don't blame her for disliking me, either. I can imagine you can only take so much of your daughter being miserable before you begin to resent the person causing that pain. I wish I had been more aware earlier on. I wish I had told her I loved her. I wish I had respected her as the wonderful person she is and not treated her like garbage because I felt bad about life in general. I'm so very sorry.