Bookmark.

There's this girl I know....yeah, I know I'm always talking about some girl. But this girl is different. She's always been the one. 8 years and it was all still the same. It never went away. If anything it grew in intensity. It finally happened. We were finally together. The best 2 1/2 months of my life....hands down. As I do frequently, I fucked it up. Too many pills. Too many shots. Too many fucked up nights. Too much. Too much. Too much. You could've died and I have to go because you have to get yourself together. 

Once we talked about how all of the other people we were with were just bookmarks in our stories that we were going to finish together. All of the others had simply fit in to our story but we didn't write them in. I never thought we would become bookmarks to the other. I never thought things would end up this way. 

15 days I haven't had a thing in my body to alter my mind. No alcohol. No pills. No nothing. Yesterday the wedding ring. Stupid. I don't even think I ever made it to bookmark status. I feel like a place holder. Like when you turn down the corner of the page so you know where to pick back up when the time arises. 

What do I have to do to prove that that life is what I want? That one I had from August through October. Minus all the crazy and self destruction. Apparently it doesn't matter. Wedding rings and multi colored flowers and lies. The stuff dreams are made of. 

Aware.

I looked back through old texts today - unlike the old emails, this proved to be a good thing. I was able to really see how it is that I treated Morgan. As I was reading my responses to her - I felt like yelling at myself in that moment to stop being a bitch to her. Stop being short with her. Don't you see she was trying to be helpful and communicate and you're just shutting it down? Who gives a shit if she's active on Facebook messenger? who gives a shit if she didn't answer a text immediately? Why are was it always all about you - why weren't you equal? All of the way I responded to her was wrong. I had someone who really truly loved me. Who honestly should've left me years ago. Who stayed through all of my mean, drunk, sad, angry, anxious nonsense. Who would've done anything, and did as much as she could, to make me happy. I truly understand how my behavior impacted this. How my inability to stop using shit made me miserable, irritable, flat, tired, awful and probably unlovable. Now I'm aware. Now I'm looking at why and how to change it. Now it's too late. I would love more than anything to just be able to show her that I am willing to make the changes...I am making the changes. I wish I had an opportunity to apologize to her Mom for treating her amazing daughter so poorly. I don't blame her for disliking me, either. I can imagine you can only take so much of your daughter being miserable before you begin to resent the person causing that pain. I wish I had been more aware earlier on. I wish I had told her I loved her. I wish I had respected her as the wonderful person she is and not treated her like garbage because I felt bad about life in general. I'm so very sorry. 

Awake.

I feel awake. Mentally and emotionally awake. For the first time in a long time. 23 days of not getting wasted to deal. I've thought so much about so many things. I remember when I used to be happy and fun and kind and not all twisted up like I have become. I found a list today from April 2011 of things that I love. It's really long and as I was reading it I realized that I stopped paying attention to a lot of those things. I still do love all of the things on that list. When I was reading it, my heart felt full. I was reminded of things that used to make me happy and how it's not so hard to be happy. I hate that I became so unhappy. I hate that I pushed people away. I hate that I didn't continue to love and care for those things. I want it all back. I want that full heart and that love and the love of people places and things again. I'm gonna keep that list with me so I can refer to it when I need to. I want myself back. I miss the old Kari. 

Closed.

Ahhhhhh I love emotional freedom. I really, really do. 

The day I got my tattoo I woke up from a dream about my ex of 5yrs who left me 4yrs ago. In the dream, she was struggling with some issues with her current girlfriend and I was able to act as a friend to help her through it. Not in an effort to get back together. Not with any ulterior motives. Nothing but to be a friend. In the dream we also got to hash out our issues....which we have never done. Yesterday I chatted with her for a while regarding how much my use of substances impacted out relationship. She was honest and said it impacted it quite a bit. I was always so angry that she left me for the girl she's with now...when in reality, I pushed her out with my behavior. The same thing I did to Morgan. Yesterday I took responsibility for my behavior and let go of all of that hurt and anger towards her. It's taken me a long time, and a lot of work but I am so glad that I no longer am holding on to that relationship. She thanked me for sharing with her and is proud of what I'm doing with my life for the past 20 days. I feel so much peace about it now and know that I do not have to take her and our issues in to my next relationship (which....I don't bank on ever having). I feel horrible for allowing it affect mine and Morgan's relationship...but I am thankful to have the opportunity to let it go. Thanks, TEM....I appreciate you :) I'm so glad that chapter is closed. 

Understand.

There were so many times I didn't understand why Morgan wouldn't communicate with me the way I wanted her to. We established that in the last blog. But what a selfish bitch I was to not see that that's how she communicates. The words she sent me were beautiful. They were from her heart. They said all the things I wanted her to say. I just didn't pay attention. I didn't see that was her way of telling me what I wanted so badly for her to say to my face....

Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent

--Victor Hugo

So it really is a lot more important than I ever thought. I should've taken it as it was - beautiful words from another person to me. Why question it? Insecurity. At the same time, I feel terrible to have not ever gotten her a real stocking for Christmas. Diamond, Greta and I all have ones with our initials bedazzled on them....ridiculous. She had a generic one that I got from target because (as I told her) "when we break up it'll just be easier to throw away"....I said this out first Christmas together. Who does that? I want her to have an M stocking. I want her to feel a part of. I don't want to pretend I can keep her at arms length anymore because I can't. Looking back, I never really did. I just thought I did. I don't know if I will ever get to be able to make that better and I hate that. All of the things I didn't include her in...I can't imagine how that made her feel. Maybe relieved but I'm sure certainly not good. I'm sorry boo. I really am. 

Cry.

Going back through old emails never proves to be a good idea. Re-reading emails between Morgan and I and how happy we were. Or reading all of these lyrics she would send me. I used to get so frustrated when she wouldn't communicate the way I wanted her to. What I didn't realize is that she was communicating...with all of the beautiful lyrics she sent me over the years. I feel like such a bitch for not realizing it before now. 

Then there's the email she sent me the day after I broke up with her. The day after I spent the night in jail because my Dad had me arrested. The day I walked out of jail and shoved several Ativan in my mouth with no water in the lobby of the jail. The day we buried my brother. The day I told my dad to shut the fuck up during lunch with everyone after we left the cemetery. That was the last time I remember my Dad being coherent enough for me to have a conversation and I wasted it by telling him to shut the fuck up. I wouldn't see him again until he was unable to walk, in a hospital bed yelling at every single person who tried to talk to him. All I can do is cry. And cry. For so many reasons. Because I fucked up so badly with Morgan. Because I didn't get it together when I should have. Because I wasted precious moments that I can't get back with my Dad. I'm just left here to be reminded once again of how it is that I don't want to live anymore. I feel like I just cleaned out another part of my fucked up head by crying my eyes out. Now it's time to move on and know that I don't have to make the same shitty choices ever again. 

Rewind.

So today my timehop (may have to erase that app for real) had these pics. This was the first time Morgan and I went out together. We were so happy and the top picture quickly became one of our favorite pictures. We drank mojitos and ate pizza that night...I felt dizzy from kissing her and knowing that I was probably in a lot further than I wanted to admit to myself. This song came on the way home tonight and I felt it kind of fitting to everything. I miss this. I miss how things used to be. I miss smiling and  laughing and loving. I would just replace the 3 with 4....and that's my day. 

"Who Knew" -Pink

You took my hand

You showed me how

You promised me you'd be around

Uh huh

That's right

I took your words

And I believed

In everything

You said to me

Yeah huh

That's right

If someone said three years from now

You'd be long gone

I'd stand up and punch them out

Cause they're all wrong

I know better

Cause you said forever

And ever

Who knew

Remember when we were such fools

And so convinced and just too cool

Oh no

No no

I wish I could touch you again

I wish I could still call you friend

I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now

'fore they're long gone

I guess I just didn't know how

I was all wrong

They knew better

Still you said forever

And ever

Who knew

Yeah yeah

I'll keep you locked in my head

Until we meet again

Until we

Until we meet again

And I won't forget you my friend

What happened

If someone said three years from now

You'd be long gone

I'd stand up and punch them out

Cause they're all wrong and

That last kiss

I'll cherish

Until we meet again

And time makes

It harder

I wish I could remember

But I keep

Your memory

You visit me in my sleep

My darling

Who knew

My darling

My darling

Who knew

My darling

I miss you

My darling

Who knew

Who knew

Wondering.

I feel like such a lame ass to still be holding on to some kind of hope that my relationship may be able to be salvaged. When in reality, it probably can't be. When we broke up 2yrs ago, I told her everything that I was unhappy with. She worked on all of those things and showed me she had made a change. I was really impressed with her commitment to us and our relationship. I feel like now it is my turn to show her that I am committed to doing the right things in order to be in a relationship with her again. Of course these steps will better me regardless of whether or not we get back together but I have been putting in some hard work for 17 days. I have faced some fears, started boxing lessons, not gotten fucked up....been trying to get comfortable with feeling things again. Maybe 17 days isn't long enough. Maybe she doesn't actually care anymore. These changes will continue regardless, but I genuinely hope that she will give me another shot. Why? Because I never stopped loving her. I never stopped wanting to be with her despite being unhappy at times. I didn't walk away. I'm still wondering if we will have another chance. 

Butterflies.

When Morgan and I first got together she used to tell me I made her feel like she had a cage full of butterflies inside her. I always thought this was an insanely sweet thing to say and it also described how it is that I felt about her. Although things were rocky, I never lost that feeling. I never stopped being in love with her. I never stopped looking at her as anything but sexy and beautiful. Unfortunately, my actions didn't always match my thoughts. When I would get wasted I would say and do unkind things. None of which reflected how I really felt and do still feel on then inside. It's hard to express to someone something positive when you're so sad and down on yourself all the time you don't want to get up and do anything. For every chance I missed to tell you how beautiful you are - I give you all the stars in the sky. For every chance I didn't take to tell you how much I love you - I give you all the sand on the ocean. For every time I didn't take the chance to kiss you, hold your hand or hug you - I give you every single butterfly. Infinite numbers of stars, sand and butterflies....infinite number of times I shouldve told you those things, and shown you love. I still have my cage full. I still have so much love for you. I still am not walking away. 

Today.

Today is my day. I woke up and decided that I am going to pause to look at all the wonderful things around me; people, places and things. I am going to give every ounce of anger and hurt I have in my boxing lesson tonight. I am going to continue to keep my head held high and remind myself of my worth. 

This morning the fog was kind of thick and chopped off the top of the skyline. There's something eerie about fog and I like it. 

A friend of mine and I had a nice long conversation about life. There were several things that were holding me back from being happy. 

1) never letting go of my hurt/anger towards my ex from 4yrs ago

2) using substances to quell my emotions

3) processing the deaths of my brother and dad without being in an altered state

4) feeling poorly about my body because I had gained quite a bit of weight back

These are the things I've done to counteract those:

1) the day I got my tattoo, I woke up from a dream with my ex in it - we had an opportunity in said dream to hash out what happened to us and I was able to provide support for her as a friend. I woke up feeling peace in my heart about that. It may be the only closure I ever get...and I am letting it be the only closure I'm going to need. I feel lighter emotionally as a result. 

2) I haven't used anything to get away from my feelings in 16 days. I have been forced to look at myself and analyze and find ways to repair and build up. Panic attack sets in, call a friend...walk to the cafe...distract. Sad about dad or Andrew or Morgan....cry, feel it, process it, get it out and move on with the day. It has been really hard (although this week is much easier than the first) but I feel good when I come out on the other side knowing I did the right thing and used a different, more healthy coping skill. 

3) I've been allowing myself to think about Andrew and dad a lot. I used to either get messed up or just ignore it when I would think about them. Letting myself feel sad and grieve in a clear headed manner has helped me to process some of these feelings. 

4) I've gotten back to the gym, I start private boxing lessons today, I have lost 17lbs. I am trying to look at me the way I want others to look at me. 

I can do this...actually, bump that....I *AM* doing this....and it feels really damn good. 

Unknown.

Today is day 15 of not getting f'd up to get away from my feelings. I'm proud of myself and feel like I'm certainly on the right path. I feel more clear headed and rational than I have in a very long time. However, I still have break up brain. I can't believe it has been a month since I've seen the one person who I love with my entire heart. There's been so much distance put between is and I fear she will forget. Forget me, forget Diamond and Greta (who she once loved as if they were her own), forget our life together, forget the fun things we did and how when things were good, they were so good. I want a life with her. Not the life we had, not the way we both had become. But a real life, with future plans and communication and feeling good about ourselves so we feel good in our relationship. Laughing and crying and spending time with friends, cooking and eating together. Going on vacations and experiencing new things together. Holding hands when we walk down the streets and sneaking kisses when no one is looking. 

The unknown is so hard. Will she ever speak to me again? Will we ever have a chance to talk and give this a try once more? Will she try to push me out so far that we are then strangers? I hope not. I have a little hope that we can come back together as more improved versions of ourselves and make it work. I haven't given up. I haven't stopped loving her. I haven't walked away just yet. Because I have a little bit of hope that we can work this out. That we can show the love we once had. It's just so hard. Hard to hold on. 

"Say Something"

Say something, I'm giving up on you

I'll be the one, if you want me to

Anywhere I would've followed you

Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I am feeling so small

It was over my head

I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall

I'm still learning to love

Just starting to crawl

Say something, I'm giving up on you

I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you

Anywhere I would've followed you

Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride

You're the one that I love

And I'm saying goodbye

Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you

And anywhere I would've followed you (Oh-oh-oh-oh)

Say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something...

Wasted.

Time. Energy. Brain cells. Money. Time with people I love. Feelings. Tears. Days after. My body. All things that I've wasted. I used to love it. It used to be my favorite. Until I realized how much wasting I was doing when wasted. I look at pictures and think "oh what a great picture!" and then my mind fasts forward to what happened after that millisecond capture. I passed out on the table at the restaurant, I picked a fight with the cops at the bar, I told everyone I was with to fuck off, I cussed Morgan out, I said mean things, I broke my tooth from falling on my face, I did things that under any other circumstances would be completely unthought of. So...why is it ok when I'm wasted? It's not. But I could always apologize. Apologies only mean so much when they happen over and over again. They lose their worth. They become empty and meaningless. They are just words. The past 2 weeks have made me realize that while it's "fun" to do all of that, it isn't getting me anywhere. It isn't fixing the missing part in my heart. It isn't making the bad go away or the good come back. It isn't making Dad or Andrew come back and it isn't helping me to deal with losing Morgan. These feelings were what I had been avoiding for so long. My fear and anxiety and insecurities and not wanting to feel any of them...make them go away. Push them back down. You can only fill a freezer with so much stuff before the door won't close and things start to fall out. Whether they fall out loudly when I'm wasted or quietly when I'm trying to make my mind numb....they still fall out. It is impossible to keep all of this in. Nobody except for myself ever expected me to do so. So unreasonable. Knowing all the while that it was eating me up inside. Just make it stop. A song comes on, I cry, I tell myself to stop. Don't cry. Keep it together. Don't lose it. Be strong. Fuck that. Why can't I be upset? It takes 10 times the strength to show people how you feel than it does to try and fake everyone else out....especially when they all know you're bullshitting yourself. 2 weeks of not being drunk. Of having to look at and feel this shit...and I do mean shit. These things happened to me - this isn't some dream or movie script...this is my life. This is the way things went. That doesn't mean I just get to check out. People need me. I need me. Life goes on. So why am I wasting it on being wasted? Instead of continuing to love and appreciate the things in life that are important; a conversation, time with folks I love, moments that I'll never get back....that, when sober, I'll wish I had to cherish all over again. 

Again.

These two pictures were taken on April 20, 2013. Wake up. So excited. Morgan is running in the Color Me Rad 5K! Gonna be fun. Hang out after. Stop for chick fil a. Home to change clothes and grab the dog. Headed to NoVa to see my Dad and spend the night with him. It's Manchester Earth Day. Want to stay in RVA and have fun. Dad has been crazy-ish again lately. 95 north. Quantico exit. Phone rings. It's the little brother.

Me: "cellos, violins and violas!"

Ryan: "Bear....Dad died...."

Me: "no no, I'm only 20 mins away"

Again.

I start crying and hit the steering wheel and yell about why do people keep dying without me being able to say good bye? Cry about why this is happening again. First Andrew and now Dad. Morgan offers to drive but I know it'll be worse for me to sit and not do anything. We get to Dad's house and he's still in his bed. Waiting for the funeral home to come to take his body. Ryan and I go in and out of the house to sit with him or look around or freak out. I take 3 of Dads pain killers. Choke them back and know that within an hour, I'll be ok. We talk with neighbors, we keep crying. I read him a blog entry that I wrote knowing he was not going to be with us that much longer. Oxy working through my system, I can handle this now. I have to continue on this perceived path of strength. Only losing it when I'm alone or wasted. Mostly when I'm wasted. Back to Richmond to drop off the dog, get my stuff and head back up to plan another funeral. The night of the viewing we go out with our Uncles. I end up so wasted that I pick a fight with my little brother at the bar. We stayed at his house that night and he said to his wife that night that if I was awake and he had to see me when he got home he wasn't sure how it would go. Lucky for him, I was completely passed out. Funeral time. Eyes glassy. Reeking of whatever I drank the night before. My body is tired from being so drunk. I don't want to be there. I don't want to do this again. We just did this 6mos ago. Funeral is finished, people are coming over to the house. I apologize to Ryan and tell myself not to do it again. I drink a little more slowly that day but still end up drunk...I had enough sense to say I needed to go to bed instead of stay awake and try to keep it together. Got my benzos filled in March - couldn't be responsible with them and just use them for sleep like I'm supposed to. Had to not feel. This kept going until 12 days ago. I didn't realize how much I was using all kinds of things to get by. I didn't realize that my actions when wasted, and also when sober, were ruining my relationship. Was she perfect? No. Was she doing all of the extra that I was doing? No. Here we are a year and a half later. I see it now. I see the path of all of this. Before all of this, sure I got drunk...and sometimes I was mean, but I feel like it intensified and became more frequent after all of this. It feels good in a way to be totally conscious of all that I've done. Not clouded. Honest with myself and folks around me. I've done a lot. Too much. Reckless and dangerous. I'm tired of trying to be tough. This doesn't get to define me anymore. I'm making a new path. 

Stop.

This picture was taken of Morgan and me on the night before everything stopped. We went to my Moms house that day - October 20, 2012. She helped me braid my hair that morning because I wanted double braids for fall time. We hung out, relatively uneventful yet relaxing day. We came home and went to sleep. I woke up around 4:30am and saw that my Dad was calling me. Assuming he was just awake and calling to ask me a nonsense question or tell me what he was watching on tv, I ignored it. I looked to see if he left a voice mail and noticed I had 30+ missed calls. My little brother, my older brothers room mates and friends, my Dad...a few texts. I called my Dad back thinking he would tell me Andrew (my older brother) was in the hospital. He wouldn't tell me what was wrong until I woke Morgan up and put him on speaker phone. 

Me: "ok dad what's going on?"

Dad: "is Morgan awake?"

Morgan: "hey pops, I'm here" 

Me: "ok Dad what's wrong?"

Dad: "Andrew's dead."

Stop.

Everything stopped. I didn't know what to say. I cried. Of course I cried. I couldn't sleep. I called my Mom...or maybe I called Ryan (my little brother) first....I don't remember. I remember saying to my Mom "Mom, Andrew's gone" and her flatly saying "I know baby." Ryan was sobbing. I stayed awake in to that day. While we were at Mom's the day before, Andrew called repeatedly trying to get my Mom to wire him money like she had been doing. She told him several times that she couldn't leave because we were there. When we left, she wired him money. 

I got drunk that day and called everyone I knew. And everyone I knew called me. I drank several bottles of champagne because I wanted mimosas. Kylee brought over bagels. My new furniture was delivered and I was so wasted that Morgan had to tell them where to put it. 

That is the day everything stopped. If I could rewind my life and go back to the moment in this picture, I would. My whole family was still alive. Morgan and I were still together. I wasn't doing the dumb shit I started doing afterwards. Fast forward a year and a half later...and here I am working very very hard to not be that person anymore. Hopefully so there can be some reconciliation with Morgan, but also because I can't live like that anymore. There's something to be said for getting drunk and having a good time. There's quite another to be said for getting wasted in an effort to just not feel. Or to feel normal. Or to be able to sleep. Or to be able to cry. As a result of never having dealt with the shit...the shit started to deal with me. 12 days I haven't gotten drunk or taken anything to alter my mentals. This is the hardest I've ever looked at myself. It is uncomfortable and I am sad a lot and I don't really like it....but it has to be done because I want to start living again. I don't want to just exist. I want to be the happy person I used to be. Not worn down from being drunk or sad because I don't feel good about myself or wanting to hide under my sweats all the time. I am trying so hard - so so hard....and so far it is working and although the pain is awful in my heart and I am realizing all the different layers on which I was unhappy, it's been an absolutely eye opening experience. I am more aware of my fucked up coping skills and my shitty behavior than I've ever been. 

I want to press play. 

Insecurity.

What a stupid stupid thing. We all have it and anyone who says they don't probably isn't telling the truth. Let's break this down, shall we? According to Webster:

noun [plural in·se·cu·ri·ties.]

1. lack of confidence or assurance; self-doubt:He is plagued by insecurity.

But why? What happened to cause us to think we don't have that confidence or assurance? For me it was years and years of being cheated on and lied to (not by my current ex, she's always been super respectful of me and us). So eventually I just figured this is the way things go so just be prepared for it. The problem here is that past experiences do not always show up in current or future experiences. So! While I was sitting around being insecure about the ex hollaring at some rando chick, I should've reminded myself that she's with me and if she didn't want to be with me, she would leave (unfortunately she did leave but I still like to think it had nothing to do with someone else). I wasted precious time blowing off compliments and love from someone who was really willing to give it to me because she really did feel that way. I always negated that. Yknow when someone says you look pretty and you respond with "yeah my fat ass was actually able to fit in this"? No? Just me? Well that's a typical me response for compliments. Instead of thank you - even if I didn't internalize it. I think it used to hurt her feelings to have compliments brushed off, and I wish I had realized that a little sooner. Stupid brain. My new tattoo has me feeling pretty sexy lately....here's a pic:

Let's seeeeeeee.....pictures for this entry......

This is a love note I received today - apparently my facial expressions were NOT well contained. 

This morning's sunrise :)

Oh and in case you were curious, I'm still making my bed :) 

Two.

Relatively uneventful yet even keel day I must say. Work, work meeting, gym, etc. Must be because tattoo day is less than 48hrs away! I can't wait! Buzz buzz buzz! Yeah I don't have shit to say tonight except share some pictures I took today that I dig :) a sunrise with my coffee on my roof deck, coffee at my favorite coffee place, my super adorbs niece wearing the dress I got her that's made from a vintage PacMan sheet :) 

Mug.

I said a while ago that I wanted to start writing a blog entry for each of the very special mugs I have....so I'm starting that today. :)

This mug was my Dad's....it has an Irish Blessing which I grew up with all around me. I don't really recall my dad being a big coffee drinker, I just remember this being his mug and nobody else really using it. When he died I pleaded with my brother for it since our Irish Heritage was something Pops and I always took such great pride in. Thanks for starting my day with me today, Dad :) 

May the road rise up to meet you.

May the wind be always at your back.

May The Lord always hold you in the hollow of his hand.

One.

Today is day one of my commitment to a new way of living. It started with 6hrs of sober, uninterrupted sleep which I got to prolong because I was off today - SCORE! It took a bit of convincing myself to get up and go to the gym but I did and did an hour on that damned elliptical. I hate that thing. I actually hate the gym in general but what I hate more is not sticking to a commitment I made which was to go to the effing gym. Here's the deal - I've never been athletic. I love to dance, and I like to move - but I don't have that "get trained" mindset ingrained in me. So what I'm really trying to do is get my body healthy....I'll never do a marathon or even be able to run (damn knees!) but i do recall a time when I was thinner and felt better about myself and so why not make that a goal - just to feel better? It was 96 degrees today when I got to the gym and I worked out in my usual (black, VCU sweatpants....yes, pants....I'm not comfortable with how I look in other workout gear).

I then took the dog for a 2 mile walk and as a result, worked out just .2 miles shy of a 10K. How's that for a Monday? I mean - I owned it :) for the most part. I'm so excited about work tomorrow - I'm sitting on an interview panel and those are always so amusing. Some crazy people apply for jobs :) 

3 things that made me happy today:

1) watching Greta (my cat) go all bananas for no reason

2) accomplished what I set out to do

3) got to spend good quality time with Diamond Dog 

Bonus: I had amazing key lime pie :)

Reset.

Its a hard thing, this life. It's hard to balance. It's hard to maintain. It's easy to lose perspective. It's easy to numb things away. It's easy to let yourself go. It's easy to not deal. It takes work to feel the shitty things no one wants to feel. It takes work - hard work - to let go of the things we hold on to that ultimately ruin us. The things that eat us up and spit us back out in worse shape than we could've ever imagined. Hard to let go of the anger and the rage and the hatred for things that have fucked with us - that continues to ruin us. But only because we let it continue to do so. 

I miss the living hell out of my brother and my Dad. I am still angry that my ex who left me 4yrs ago did so. I am angry about my stupid knee injury that makes me feel so limited in some things. I am still mad that my family was so dysfunctional growing up. These things are killing me quickly. Most especially missing my brother and my Dad. When Andrew died I drank. And drank. And drank. Don't feel, just keep going. When Dad died I just didn't feel. 6 mos between the two...I refused to feel. I couldn't. Now I have to because it has caught up with me. It started catching up with me a few months back. Morgan leaving has caused me to have to feel things I never wanted to feel again. Loss. Loss of love. Loss of my best friend. Loss of my closeness with her. For two weeks I've been trying not to feel anymore. It isn't working. Today I allowed myself to be a mess. To fall apart. To feel as shitty as I possibly could because tomorrow is a new day and that isn't happening anymore. I've got some hard work to do, but god damnit I'm going to be happy. Fuck existing - living seems like so much more fun....and since Andrew and Dad can't, I'm going to. I love you, A. I love you, Pops. I love you, Morgan. And most importantly: I love you, self. 

Start.

So today I made my bed. For some reason it felt really good. Like I had done something normal and adult like. Sounds weird I'm sure, but it felt good to peel my down comforter back when I came to bed tonight and situate my pillows. Like turn down service at a fancy hotel. Whatevs. 

My fourth was super relaxing. Laid in bed for a super long time, tidied up the apartamento, ate for the first time in 3 days (yummy Cuban food with my pal Renee), stopped at a party for a bit and then came home and watched fireworks from the Rooftop of the building next to mine (my rooftop attracts some hoodlums this time of year)

Tomorrow will consist of gymming and 2 different parties before watching fireworks right over my head. Just to let everyone know, it still sucks to be dumped. I lost 10lbs (weighed in this am) aaaaaaaaand am gonna use that slight bit of "go me!" to fuel my motivation for the gym. I'm excited. I gots tons of plans for this week of stuff that needs to be taken care of - that I'm stoked to accomplish. Yes yes yes - go me :)

Forward

Two weeks ago I was looking forward to celebrating my (now ex :( ) girlfriend's 30th birthday with her and worried about my cat who had shown some signs of having something wrong with her tummy. Today I am single and my mind is doing that awesome thing that only women going through a break up are capable of doing - making the worst of everything. I've decided that shit simply is not going to work for me. Why should I be sad while she's out having fun? That's not fair. So here will be a bucket list of things I want to do or start making a habit of:

1) go to the gym....even though it sucks...5 days a week

2) photograph everything I can - even if people don't dig it

3) de clutter the hell out of my life. Why is all this shit just hanging around, any damn way?

4) make my bed everyday. Why? Because one day (even though I hope it'll be my current ex) someone will be in it with me and I'll want it to look neat. 

5) volunteer somewhere in the community weekly. 

6) find a day trip spot and go once a month....take the dog with me :)

7) blog every day about how much it sucks to try and lose weight or be dumped or how delicious my dinner was or whatever the hell else I feel like talking about 

8) do things I previously found aversive example: on Wednesday I am going to catholic mass with a friend. I'm excited about this because I am hopeful for a new and different experience as a result of giving it a second try.

9) make and use cool stuff like sugar scrubs and egg/mayo hair conditioner

10) learn to know that although there's been too much loss in my life - nothing lasts forever and everything changes.